If I could just stay home…

If I could just stay home, I would.

I’d stay here, building block castles with my daughter or weeding the garden. If I didn’t have to worry about later, like saving for retirement or college, I’d live for now.

Siding the workshop, mowing the lawn, teaching my son how to do the chores. Those are all the things I enjoy doing everyday. Writing, reading, cross-stitching, cleaning, and cooking are things I wish I had more time for in my day. Unfortunately, a day job doesn’t make it possible to devote more time to things I care about versus the thing I have to do to pay the bills.

There are days, though – more often than not – when I just want to quit being the responsible adult and find another way to do things. I feel that urge every day, sometimes all day when I’m not at home. And when I’m at home, I’m comfortable and happy.

It’s not a big house – less than 1000 square feet. It’s not a fancy house – in fact, the walls on one side are practically Swiss cheese. I tell myself that in 2018, I won’t have to work outside the home anymore. I tell myself to keep my eye on the prize. But it’s hard when work is disheartening and stressful, and you have more downs than ups. It’s hard when you’re trying to do something else on the side in the hopes of replacing your income with another, by doing something you love, but not quite getting there. Not even close, really.

So every day I get up and I just strive and push toward my goals, in hopes that I won’t have to stay where I am forever.

And I live for those wonderful moments of not striving or pushing, when all I’m doing is just being who I am with the people I love. I wish I could have more of those moments in my life.

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